It can be hard to trust yourself. At least it has been hard for me to do so. Growing up I was constantly made to feel like I was ignorant, inherently incorrect, and the best existence I could ever have was one of silence. My need to speak up and be heard was both literally and figuratively beaten out of me. By the time I reached adulthood I’d seen what happens when I think for myself.
I’m not naive. I don’t automatically believe all people are good, true, honest, and decent. But, it doesn’t take naivete to distrust one’s self: just fear of being wrong. And in my home, being wrong was just part of life. I was always wrong, even when I was very, very right.
Raising a child with their own ideas about things and the courage to speak those ideas outloud is inconvenient and downright dangerous for two narcissists. My parents had to work hard to snuff it out of me. If it wasn’t verbal abuse, it was emotional abuse. If not emotional abuse, it was physical. My parents left no abusive stone unturned and it’s really no wonder I attempted suicide twice before I was 22.
And yet, I survived. I pulled myself up out of it. But, I still have ghosts of abuses past that haunt me, and one of my ghosts is the ghost of self-doubt. My insides can be screaming out that something doesn’t feel right, and I’m trying too hard to make something work, and I will pick that feeling apart, and question every angle, and turn it inside out and around, all in favor of my own perception and experiences being wrong.
And I have been right so very many times but, have only realized that in hindsight.
I am tired of quieting my intuition. I am tired of allowing my childhood to dictate my adulthood. I’m tired of looking back on terrible situations I knew I shouldn’t have gotten myself into and regretting my self-doubt.
It’s time to listen to myself. And trust what I say. Because I realize now if I have to ask, “Is this relationship equal? Is this person using me? Is what I’ve been told the truth?”, then I already know the answer.
Endeavor to sort out the parts of you that guide your decisions. Are you being guided by hurt or by healing? Are you following insecurity or intuition? I too am on this journey but I know, I am arriving. And I know, if you’re willing to do the work, you will too.